week 2

Things have been going really smoothly. I count my blessings that I have such easy babies. Both boys are taking in 2 oz at a feeding and sleeping really well. The hiccups are the only thing that really limit sleep. Both boys get them about twice a day.

Today Ethan and I had appointments. Mine again was first. My incision looks great according to the Dr I dont have to go back for another 4 weeks when I get cleared. The best news though has to do with the scale. I am down 4 lbs from last week. That is 4 lbs under my pre-pregnancy weight and just 2lbs above my lowest point in my weight loss over the last year.

Ethan's appointment went just as well. He gained and gained a lot. My little chunker put on 14oz. Yep you read right 14oz in 7 days. During Ethan's appointment we also found out that Owen has a blocked duct so his eye is kinda goopy.

Now what you have all been waiting for....PICS!


a few days old


New Years...first day home


One week old


compared to a teddy bear and a paper my boys are small


in car seats...12 days old


play time today


Jan 8th


nap time today

So can you see the size difference? So much has changed in them already. Time is just going to fast.

Not as bad as I thought

A little update about medications and life. I have finished taking Clomid and I only had a few hot flashes, nausea, and mood swings. Though it was not fun it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I took a mental health day today and ditched class. I just needed to spend some time with Erick. Before Erick could relax he wanted to finish the laundry he started a few days ago so I pressed my suit for my interview. I am so ready for this I am going to blow them out of the water. I hope all who are reading this are having as good of a day as I am. The funny thing is even with the few large assignments I have coming up with school the only thing I am really worried about is my blood work I have to go in to do on the 15Th. That blood work will determine our next step. Oh BTW in total since January 21 I have lost 42 pounds. OK going to go watch a movie with Erick.

Things looking up

So my boss called me last night to talk and said he finally got it. He told me to sleep in and take my time. When I got in the office he took me out to lunch to talk about how we can make this better. I am really happy he did this. Now if only i could get my other boss to have it click. I sent her the doc that she wanted by this morning at about 7 last night and still haven't heard from her. Oh well. I haven't been feeling to well in the morning it is not terrible but it is hard to eat. I have now lost more than 40 pounds. wooo hooo!

Sick and twisted

So I am sitting here thinking about how the mind works.  Its funny really as you get fat you don't see it because you don't want to believe it is happening.  So even though the jeans don't fit and you have to buy a bigger size (if you even admit that) when you look in the mirror you see yourself the way you think you look.  Then something clicks be it on your own, because someone tells your "hey lard butt move your fat ass" or when the 6th person in a month asks you when your due and you decide it is time to do something.  You work your butt off trying to get thin and what happens?  Your mind plays another trick on you.  I have lost 34 pounds and counting to date from the first of the year.  

I hear that I look good but I just do not see it when I look in the mirror.  So I decided to do a little test that lead me to make the image above.  I was going to look at a before and after shot and you know what?  I still do not see it.  I know I am down 34 lbs and I know I am down 2 pant sizes and none of my clothes fit.  I am able to do things now that I couldn't before (physically speaking) but I still don't see myself any thinner.  So I have decided that my mind and body image is sick and twisted.  But how does one go about changing the way that they see themselves.  The kicker in all this is when I am dreaming or close my eyes and think of what I look like I am a skinny minnie.  Now how is that for sick and twisted?

News

So I just got in from my follow up to talk about my U/S and my blood work.  I am cyst free and look good.  As for blood work Thyroid looks great, FSH and LH both normal.  So I look good I have been cleared to get back in the game.  I have to call on CD 1 and let her know at that point she will call in the Clomid (50 mg) and set my appointment for my CD 21 progesterone check.  With all this I will still continue the Adipax because I am responding well and have dropped 34 pounds to date.  The lower I get the better the chance so I am happy about that.  Oh and she said I could choose to take my Clomid starting on CD 3 or CD 5.  I was told taking it on CD 3 would increase my chance of multiples.  So now I have some talking to do with Erick.  Really it is almost 10 am and today is already the best day I have had in a long time.

Spring is here

Well spring is here the flowers are blooming birds are singing and I am sad.  The world seems to be bursting with new life and I am empty.  The longer it has been sense my U/S the more worried  I get about the results.  I feel like I may never get the chance to be blooming with new life.  Being told I am glowing.  

I had someone come up to me today, put their hands on my fat belly and ask when I was due.  Really?  Really?  I have lost 32 pounds so far and I am still getting asked when I am due.  I know I am not thin but do I really look pregnant?  Some people just should not speak and really need to think hard before opening their mouth at all.  So now I sit here depressed that I am going to be the best auntie in a few months but not a mom.  

I forgot in my last blog to mention my change essay.  In one of my masters classes we were asked to write an essay about a change that we are going through, want to go through or recently completed.  This essay had to be 8-10 pages so what am I going to write about? Of course I am going to write about the change to be a mother.  The only problem is the paper had to be peer edited by 2 random people in the class.  Well I decided it was still worth it.  I turned in my paper on Monday and got the first of my feedback.  I was told that m paper was informative but personally disconnected.  Hmmm yah think?  I tried to write the paper in the true sense of what happened making it really personal and all I did was cry.  I had to disconnect a little.  However, something good did come out of it already.  The girl that ready my paper said she didn't know anyone had such a hard time conceiving.  So I did educate one person.  I have also taken to, when people ask if there is anything they can do, telling people to write their congress man to get our state to mandate fertility coverage.  

So maybe this is my spring I am being "reborn" into a stronger more active advocate for fertility.  I feel like I need to be shouting it from the rooftops.  The world needs to know and now I am actually looking forward to joining in the open class discussion on our papers.  I am also thinking of going back through and fixing the disconnect.  If i am going to share this then I am not doing any favors to anyone by it not being personally connected.  This paper may be my start to healing.  

If I cannot be a mom then maybe I can bring awareness to the subject.  This is one of my big pet peeves.  When did talking about things become wrong just because it makes someone uncomfortable?  We get over our discomfort by talking and if we cant talk then it just sits inside and festers.  It looks like this spring will be a period of growth for me even if it isn't in the direction I wanted it to be.