Not as bad as I thought

A little update about medications and life. I have finished taking Clomid and I only had a few hot flashes, nausea, and mood swings. Though it was not fun it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I took a mental health day today and ditched class. I just needed to spend some time with Erick. Before Erick could relax he wanted to finish the laundry he started a few days ago so I pressed my suit for my interview. I am so ready for this I am going to blow them out of the water. I hope all who are reading this are having as good of a day as I am. The funny thing is even with the few large assignments I have coming up with school the only thing I am really worried about is my blood work I have to go in to do on the 15Th. That blood work will determine our next step. Oh BTW in total since January 21 I have lost 42 pounds. OK going to go watch a movie with Erick.

School Work and Meds

Really not a lot going on.So things right now have been a lot of school, work, home, sleep, then repeat. I am behind in all my classes and forgot an assignment that was due today. I have done a lot of prep for my interview sat. I have a few great outfits that I will post soon to get opinions on. I have a big event that I am coordinating at work and I cannot tell you how happy I will be when this is over. The hard part is that this event is the same day as my blood test so I have to figure out how to be in two places at once. I have got to tell you that clomid sucks. I am sick to my stomach from the time I wake up until lunch. Ok Erick is in bed waiting so off I go.

And the results are...

PASSED!  Masters orals went great.   Except that one of the people kept asking leading questions that took forever to say.  I really think that one of the questions took him 5 min to spit out.  I passed though so really what do I care.  Now all I have to do is get through the rest of the course work.  I will walk on May 17th and finish my last class 5 weeks later with a total of 40 graduate level units.  I am very excited because that means only 5 units to the next pay raise. hehehe.  

To celebrate Erick took me out to The Elephant Bar.  After that we went shopping (only spent a gift card I had been saving).  Then we drove around for oh 2 hours looking at houses.  We found a cute little area that well will watch when we get closer to buying.  To end the night out and begin the night in we rented some movies.

The movie just ended and now it is midnight and Im tired but I am cramping so bad that I want to rip my insides out and bang them on the wall.  Maybe then they will pass out and stop torturing me.  Oh and Erick is being so supportive laying on me to watch the movie cuz that felt so good. NOT!  I know I know you are all thinking why did you let him lay on you if it hurt.  Well long story short because of all the preping for orals meant that he was neglected sense about Thursday.  He wanted so badly to just cuddle and watch a movie so I gave in.  Now I know your new question is well then why didn't you lay on him.  Well... he is a wiggler.  He moves constantly during a movie.  If I am in his lap every time he moves I have to.   

So now he is bed and I am sitting here writing to whoever reads this.  Wondering many things that effect many things and don't know where to start to even write any of them down.  Oh yeah and I have eaten more than my fair share of jelly beans.  At this point I think I need to hit publish, walk away from the bag of beans, brush my teeth and head for bed.  Night all!

Still Not As Easy As You Think

I thought I was over these feelings. I guess I just pushed them back. I spent my day today not studying like I needed to be doing for my Masters Orals exam tomorrow but with my mom and sister.  We went shopping, had lunch and played cards (I lost).  To end the day Mom and I went to the doctor with sister for her check up.  She is 34 weeks and they did an ultrasound.  I held it together all day.  OK maybe that is an overstatement I did kinda tell her in Target that I resented her.  Not now but through the whole beginning of her pregnancy.  I was supportive and involved and I lost it on the way home.  When we were at the doctors and my mom and I were getting in the car (sister was setting up her next appointment) she gave me a hug, said she was proud of me but she hopes that it takes us just a little longer.  (UMMMM WHAT??!!)  Glad to hear mom thanks.  I know here reasoning for thinking that way and it couldn't hurt.   However, I didn't need to hear that especially 3 hours after the spotting that decided to show up today started.  This is exciting for me because I will get to start Clomid soon.  Then we can really get this show on the road.  At the same time school is getting a little more demanding so I am sorry this is your warning posts may be academic for a bit.  OK time to get back to work Orals are tomorrow and I still have 3 questions to answer.  Until we meet again.

Spring is here

Well spring is here the flowers are blooming birds are singing and I am sad.  The world seems to be bursting with new life and I am empty.  The longer it has been sense my U/S the more worried  I get about the results.  I feel like I may never get the chance to be blooming with new life.  Being told I am glowing.  

I had someone come up to me today, put their hands on my fat belly and ask when I was due.  Really?  Really?  I have lost 32 pounds so far and I am still getting asked when I am due.  I know I am not thin but do I really look pregnant?  Some people just should not speak and really need to think hard before opening their mouth at all.  So now I sit here depressed that I am going to be the best auntie in a few months but not a mom.  

I forgot in my last blog to mention my change essay.  In one of my masters classes we were asked to write an essay about a change that we are going through, want to go through or recently completed.  This essay had to be 8-10 pages so what am I going to write about? Of course I am going to write about the change to be a mother.  The only problem is the paper had to be peer edited by 2 random people in the class.  Well I decided it was still worth it.  I turned in my paper on Monday and got the first of my feedback.  I was told that m paper was informative but personally disconnected.  Hmmm yah think?  I tried to write the paper in the true sense of what happened making it really personal and all I did was cry.  I had to disconnect a little.  However, something good did come out of it already.  The girl that ready my paper said she didn't know anyone had such a hard time conceiving.  So I did educate one person.  I have also taken to, when people ask if there is anything they can do, telling people to write their congress man to get our state to mandate fertility coverage.  

So maybe this is my spring I am being "reborn" into a stronger more active advocate for fertility.  I feel like I need to be shouting it from the rooftops.  The world needs to know and now I am actually looking forward to joining in the open class discussion on our papers.  I am also thinking of going back through and fixing the disconnect.  If i am going to share this then I am not doing any favors to anyone by it not being personally connected.  This paper may be my start to healing.  

If I cannot be a mom then maybe I can bring awareness to the subject.  This is one of my big pet peeves.  When did talking about things become wrong just because it makes someone uncomfortable?  We get over our discomfort by talking and if we cant talk then it just sits inside and festers.  It looks like this spring will be a period of growth for me even if it isn't in the direction I wanted it to be.