Happy 4-20 to me

I know what you are thinking "isn't that a pot smokers holiday"? Well... not for me its not. Last year on 4-20 I was sad and pouting about how my first medicated cycle (50 mg clomid) failed so miserably. Little did I know what cycle two had in store for us.

How do you respond

How do you respond when someone asks a personal rude question. As a mom of twins in today's society of octo-mom, J&K +8, Twins, Twins, and stipulates we are fascinated by twins. I didn't realize how bad it was til becoming a mom of twins myself (triplet moms I don't know how you do it). First off we call our stroller our circus train or freak show because when we are out in public we attract people as if that is what we are a circus or freak show. Besides all the pointing, staring, and talking as if we cant hear them the general public seems to think it is ok to ask whatever they like. I have been asked...

*are they real?
*are you sure they are twins?
*Really two boys?
*are they natural?
*are they IVF?
*do they run in your family?
*in your husbands family?
*are they identical?
*do they have different personalities?
*how can you tell them apart?

How do you respond to that? On top of all the personal questions that random people in target think they can ask they argue with me when I give them an answer. For instance on more than one occasion I have actually answered the questions with truthful answers like "yes twins run in my husbands family but that has nothing to do with our twins because he has nothing to do with my releasing 2 eggs" "the fact that we have boys is my husbands fault but the fact that there are two of them is mine" and people argue with me that I must be wrong and it must be because of Erick. Or when I say "we had help but we were luckier that some and didn't have to go that far into treatments" That is when I get told that I'm lucky I could have had 6 or 8. um no they are crazy and went through IUI/IVF I took a pill for 5 days that is a big difference. And really what kind of babies aren't natural? Why wouldn't my kids have different personalities? What dictionary are people using that they think my boys are identical? Why sense they aren't identical aren't they twins in the eyes of some? Do people really think I wouldn't notice if one of my sons was really a girl I mean there is a big difference in what a penis looks like compared to a vagina? And lastly when did my sex life become anyone but mine and my husbands business?

Really how do you respond to rude intrusive questions?

The New Plan

I had my pap today and we talked for a bit about what needed to be done next. So while she was down there she said everything looked good and that she was going to run cultures in case this was it. She also said that if my progesterone was low again (9.1 last cycle draw today) then we would bump to 100mg clomid. Lastly if af shows I have my HSG in 2 weeks. So at least I have a plan. I should have results of the progesterone in 2 days.

My chart

Do not open this post if you do not want to know more about my body and sex life.



This is my chart and at this point it kinda sucks. I really dont know what is going on with my body. I was looking at my chart for the 15,000,000th time today so I thought I would share it

Back from the doctor

So because one cycle ended and another one started I had to go to the doctor. I know this post will have a lot of information that many may not want to read because i was there and know what happened. You have been warned. So because that was my first cycle on clomid i really did not know what to expect. I got the the Dr and was told to strip below the waste. I guess I had a shocked look on my face because the nurse double checked that she had the right patient and told me what I was there for. So I strip and sit on the pee pad they put down so I wont bleed on the table and I wait. I can hear them in the hall asking if anyone has seen my Dr. I dont like the room I was in the room I am normally in has butterflies on the ceiling. Finally the Dr comes in and we talk. I ask her if she is at all concerned that my progesterone is only 9.1 and she says no. I ask again because (and I tell her this) I read that anything under 15 for a medicated cycle is not great. She says that we accomplished what we wanted and I did ovulate so that is good that lets give this a chance. Ok. So she also says that the HSG will come next cycle if I ovulate again and dont get pregnant. Ok. She also says that there are a few more tests that will go with it. ok. At this point she asks me to lay back feet in stirups greeeeaaat. I lay there she inserts 2 fingers and pushes on my belly. WHY OUCH. Im already cramping and you want to push on my belly. Good news is the script is the same and my insides feel fine so he we go again. When i got home I called erick and I told him. I also told him I never want to hear him bitch when he has to get his prostate checked. LOL.

A sum of my feelings

Time of death... 11am

Here is the warning this post may have TMI. I am not saying it does as at this point I have not written the rest but based on what inspired this I think it does.

So it all started yesterday I started having pink only when I went to the bathroom. My temp also dropped. I was so excited for this cycle. The clomid and getting a confirmation on actually ovulating. Then my chart looked great textbook even. Such high hopes all to be dashed this morning with what is best described as more than just pink when going to the bathroom. What makes this even worse is I want Erick even more and just cant do it. This is just cruel. Nature is mean. Not only do I not get what I want so badly but I cant even have sex with my husband. Now I have to be sure and call the Dr first thing in the morning so that they can squeeze me in for a check and to get my new script of clomid at a higher dose. I will once again get poked prodded and most likely get the camera shoved up my cooch while bleeding so that once again i can take pills that will keep me up at night and sick in the morning and most likely get nothing out of it.

To add to the insult yesterday I went to a recruitment fair for teachers and was told that I was going to be hard pressed to find a job for next year because I am in a saturated field right now and that nothing about my degree is special. One more thing to look forward to. Grrrrraaaate. So if all else fails I will spend a year subbing but I think we may move. I think that Stockton is getting to small. I want to move north. Before I get messages freaking out no this is not for sure and no it is not something at has been discussed in depth so dont worry it is not going to happen tomorrow.

OK so some good news Ericks mom thought we needed a vacation so she is sending us to LOS VEGAS FOR THREE DAYS. I know it isnt a lot of time but it is better than nothing and she is footing the bill for the plane and the hotel. Woooo Hooo. Well that about sums up everything right now.

Confusion Thy Name is....

I know I am new to this but sometimes I just want to be one of those people that has things fall in their lap. I really thought that sticks you pee on would be easier than this. I have been taking OPK the last three days. Day 1 no second line. Day 2 faint second line. Today again no line. I thought in all my readings that getting a faint line meant that lines were supposed to over time get darker not get disappear all together. So now I am just really confused. Then again when am I not confused about what my body is doing. Cant something go textbook?

So my interview is now just hours away and I could not be looking more forward to it. I will let you know how it goes tomorrow.

Not as bad as I thought

A little update about medications and life. I have finished taking Clomid and I only had a few hot flashes, nausea, and mood swings. Though it was not fun it wasn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I took a mental health day today and ditched class. I just needed to spend some time with Erick. Before Erick could relax he wanted to finish the laundry he started a few days ago so I pressed my suit for my interview. I am so ready for this I am going to blow them out of the water. I hope all who are reading this are having as good of a day as I am. The funny thing is even with the few large assignments I have coming up with school the only thing I am really worried about is my blood work I have to go in to do on the 15Th. That blood work will determine our next step. Oh BTW in total since January 21 I have lost 42 pounds. OK going to go watch a movie with Erick.

School Work and Meds

Really not a lot going on.So things right now have been a lot of school, work, home, sleep, then repeat. I am behind in all my classes and forgot an assignment that was due today. I have done a lot of prep for my interview sat. I have a few great outfits that I will post soon to get opinions on. I have a big event that I am coordinating at work and I cannot tell you how happy I will be when this is over. The hard part is that this event is the same day as my blood test so I have to figure out how to be in two places at once. I have got to tell you that clomid sucks. I am sick to my stomach from the time I wake up until lunch. Ok Erick is in bed waiting so off I go.

Open mouth insert foot

Everyone has an opinion but sometimes it just doesn't need to be heard. I love how when you start telling your story suddenly everyone that would not touch the subject with you before is an expert.  When you share your story suddenly to the public you  are a expert at the smile and nod.  Come on you know what I mean.  That is where on the outside you are smiling and nodding to show that you are listening and on the inside you are thinking of all the painful ways you could kill the person.  You go through the list and cross off all the ways that you could kill them that just do not cause enough pain because you really want them to know 1) what it feels like to have trouble TTTCing and 2) because you want them to know how it really feels to have to hear some of these things.  There are just certain things that should be in the big book of common knowledge that everyone should get upon there ohhhhhh 13th birthday.  Why do "we"(society) teach our kids not to point or ask questions of people that may or may not be pg but as adults suddenly it is ok.  Sense when are the phrases "god has a plan for you" or "all thing happen for a reason"  or "maybe you just need to relax and work on you for a bit"  helpful or encouraging?  I tell you what I lost my faith in god or a higher power a long time ago and telling me that your god has a plan for me does not help.  Its biology and its a flawed process.  Even when everything goes right there is still only like a oh 1 in 5 chance of getting a living healthy child out of it.  I also love how friends stop calling/ writing.  All of this reminds me of 6th grade when my dad committed suicide.  I lost all my friends because for a 12 year old it is easier to make new friends and ignore someone who is suddenly different then to talk to them.  I didn't realize that I associated myself with people of a 6th graders mentality.  I also think it must really be hard to say "I don't understand what you are going through but thank you for including me."  I don't want people to feel sorry for me but I am tired of hearing things like "you are just trying to hard and making to much of this".  Really if people cant talk to me without telling me their opinion of what I should or should not be doing, how if i just give it time,  focus on something else, pray more, eat less, turn around, sit down, wiggle my ears and trust in god then I think I prefer them not talking to me.  

News

So I just got in from my follow up to talk about my U/S and my blood work.  I am cyst free and look good.  As for blood work Thyroid looks great, FSH and LH both normal.  So I look good I have been cleared to get back in the game.  I have to call on CD 1 and let her know at that point she will call in the Clomid (50 mg) and set my appointment for my CD 21 progesterone check.  With all this I will still continue the Adipax because I am responding well and have dropped 34 pounds to date.  The lower I get the better the chance so I am happy about that.  Oh and she said I could choose to take my Clomid starting on CD 3 or CD 5.  I was told taking it on CD 3 would increase my chance of multiples.  So now I have some talking to do with Erick.  Really it is almost 10 am and today is already the best day I have had in a long time.

Spring is here

Well spring is here the flowers are blooming birds are singing and I am sad.  The world seems to be bursting with new life and I am empty.  The longer it has been sense my U/S the more worried  I get about the results.  I feel like I may never get the chance to be blooming with new life.  Being told I am glowing.  

I had someone come up to me today, put their hands on my fat belly and ask when I was due.  Really?  Really?  I have lost 32 pounds so far and I am still getting asked when I am due.  I know I am not thin but do I really look pregnant?  Some people just should not speak and really need to think hard before opening their mouth at all.  So now I sit here depressed that I am going to be the best auntie in a few months but not a mom.  

I forgot in my last blog to mention my change essay.  In one of my masters classes we were asked to write an essay about a change that we are going through, want to go through or recently completed.  This essay had to be 8-10 pages so what am I going to write about? Of course I am going to write about the change to be a mother.  The only problem is the paper had to be peer edited by 2 random people in the class.  Well I decided it was still worth it.  I turned in my paper on Monday and got the first of my feedback.  I was told that m paper was informative but personally disconnected.  Hmmm yah think?  I tried to write the paper in the true sense of what happened making it really personal and all I did was cry.  I had to disconnect a little.  However, something good did come out of it already.  The girl that ready my paper said she didn't know anyone had such a hard time conceiving.  So I did educate one person.  I have also taken to, when people ask if there is anything they can do, telling people to write their congress man to get our state to mandate fertility coverage.  

So maybe this is my spring I am being "reborn" into a stronger more active advocate for fertility.  I feel like I need to be shouting it from the rooftops.  The world needs to know and now I am actually looking forward to joining in the open class discussion on our papers.  I am also thinking of going back through and fixing the disconnect.  If i am going to share this then I am not doing any favors to anyone by it not being personally connected.  This paper may be my start to healing.  

If I cannot be a mom then maybe I can bring awareness to the subject.  This is one of my big pet peeves.  When did talking about things become wrong just because it makes someone uncomfortable?  We get over our discomfort by talking and if we cant talk then it just sits inside and festers.  It looks like this spring will be a period of growth for me even if it isn't in the direction I wanted it to be. 

My story to date

Erick and I met by a stroke of luck in the rec. lounge of my residence hall. A few months later Erick attempted to ask me to marry him. Yes you read that right I said a few months. I laughed at him. Not the best response. The topic comes up more and more after that.  One night I got up the nerve and told him that if he didn't ask me I was going to ask him.  On May 8th 2003 just seven months after meeting wrapped in an embrace in the middle of my dorm room Erick asked me to be his and I said yes.  As you can imagine our families thought we were nuts.  Two years after he proposed we were married (Mothers Day 2008). Our wedding was beautiful.  It rained but just as we said I do it stopped. Perfect! I could not have asked for anything better.

May 2006- off birth control and trying for a baby

Aug. 2006- Started charting 

April 2007- Go to see doctor. I was told not to worry because I was young and after all she just had a baby last year at 35 with no problems. I asked for a referral (I was using the University health care). I was told they couldn't do that.  

Aug. 2007- 70 day cycle.  When to doctor was put on Provera.  New nurse practitioner  instantly started helping me. Found out the health center had said and documented that they referred me and that I declined services. 

Dec. 2007- Got my referral to the outside office that the NP that helped me works at.

Jan. 2008- First outside appointment with NP.  Discovered the doctor at the school signed off on my blood work saying that everything was normal when in fact my thyroid was off.  Started weight loss with diet, exercise and Adipax (along with BCPs).  

Feb. 2008- Redo Thyroid and everything is okay there. Dropped 22 pounds so far.

Today I had an ultrasound.  I had to go twice.  The first time I followed what I was told and my bladder didn't fill.  I follow the new instructions I was given and I spend an hour dancing because I had to pee so bad.  She took a ton of images and I didn't get told anything other than I should ask to be checked for PCOS and that my right ovary didn't want its picture taken and was hiding in my bowels.  

So now I wait.  I have an appointment with the NP on Friday to find out if we can get off this nine week break and Adipax and start trying again.  At the appointment I will get the results of the U/S and find out what our next step is.  I know we have to repeat all the blood work that was done at the University and there has been talk of clomid.  I have so many questions for Friday.  I will keep you posted on here.