Did you miss us?

Well we are home. The trip was long and hard. I couldn't go to the mine although my sister did. At the funeral they played a video of my cousin taken in the hour before her death. It was her dancing in the back of the truck before going into the mine. It was hard to watch and she will be missed. That is all I want to say on the matter.

While getting ready to leave something interesting happened. Owen took a step. A single step not holding onto anything. Then while in the hotel in front of everyone he took 2 steps all on his own. We are so proud. While we were in the hotel we had a bad night with the boys. OMG it was horrible. Well we now know why it was so horrible. There is a new tooth in the house. Owen decided he no longer wanted to be toothless. He also has his second tooth coming in.

Ethan is getting braver. He is still my careful child but he is starting to let go.

We also took our holiday photo.

It is so fun to watch them grow!

Both babies look great

One year ago today I heard those words. "Both babies look great". Both. It had taken me a long time after only seeing one baby on the first u/s to get Erick to stop saying that it was wrong and we were really having twins. One year ago today he got to do his told you so dance. When we found out we were having twins it really was a shock. The first attempt at looking at the baby was not a success and we had to wait to see a special tech. We sat in the waiting room thinking after 2 years we had lost the baby we tried so hard and waited so long for. When we got back to see the special tech it wasnt long at all before she said the words that changed our lives in so many ways..."both babies look great". That phrase is as true today as it was then. My boys are wonderful and thriving. They are getting big and for the most part they are doing everything their peers are doing. BOTH BABIES LOOK GREAT! Words that will change your life in ways you cant even imagine.

Then:


Now:

baby # 3

Why are men such babies when they are sick? Granted I have never seen Erick puke that much (not even in our crazy college days). BUT men get sick and turn into big helpless babies. I better not end up with 3 sick boys in my house. Wish me luck.

Part 2

Part 2 of vaca was interesting. We had just gotten home and had to repack. We headed to Erick's aunts because his uncle was going to take us to the airport the next morning so we had to get up really early. Then the fun began.

At the airport....security was interesting. We forgot to take off our shoes. My bracelet beeped. The boys were up way to early. My bag got pulled because of the formula. When we got to the gate the boys ate and I went to change them. It was then I found a great surprise. I found that when they pulled my diaper bag and slammed it on the counter a can of formula opened and engulfed everything.

The flight there.... Owen was in the car seat and Ethan was in our laps. Owen woke only to eat then went back down. Ethan played and then slept. The funny part was the guy in front of Owens seat kept slamming his seat back, then forward, then back. Then he would turn around and glare at me. Hehehe like doing it over and over was going to change anything.

In South bend.... I know I should have more to write here because we were there a long time but it has been like 5 days and with my head in a haze I just dont remember. There was a lot of eating out and we went to the mall. We took the boys in a pool for the first time. The controversy about Obama speaking was interesting and disturbing to watch. Really I sent a lot of time on the phone. While we were there my sister went through a tragedy. At almost 34 weeks pregnant her uterus ruptured and her placenta detached. My sister lost 2 liters of blood, had 4 transfusions, and almost died. In the end my sister was saved but Mckenzie (the baby) didnt.

The flight home.... The boys were fussier but security went smoother. WE didnt get to pre-board which was a PITA.

Over all it was a smooth trip.

Easter and more

For Easter we went down to Salinas. It totally messed with the boys. First off being in the car on the drive there made the boys nap later then they normally do. When we got to the house they were just waking up. They knew it was time to shower and eat (we hit traffic and the drive took a little longer than normal). So I go to bathe them and they are not happy. They want to eat. This task is not made easy by people that want to make sure all is well and see the babies. Finally I get them bathed, dressed and downstairs to eat. I had the bottles made before we left the house and in a cool case but that meant I was offering cold bottles. That didn't go over well but they didn't want to wait for warm ones. To add to it when we are at home we don't have company during baths and bottles well you cant help that when you are the company. So while feeding the boys we had eager grandparents wanting to ooo ahh and fawn. Which is fine but distracting. Once we got the boys fed and down (took almost 45 min longer than normal). WE got to eat. Once we got to bed we were in for it. Ethan woke up at midnight screaming we would just get him down and he would do it again. This went on every 45 min from midnight to 7 when they got up. We hadnt had a night like that sense maybe week 3.

Saturday we went to visit Erick's grandma. She was excited to see the boys and we hung out and watched the Giants game with Erick's dad. When we got back to Erick's moms we were informed that more company was coming tonight. In my head I am envisioning a repeat of the night before. See our boys know the schedule and the bath, butts, books, bottles and bed pattern isnt something we EVER mess with. Im sure I wasnt as nice as i should have been when I found that out and was trying to get the boys routine done but we did bring them down for family to see. Then we had pizza and played cards. Erick won. Then bed.

Sunday.... slow morning then lunch at Erick's grandmas. The boys got a chance to meet family they had not yet met and i got a chance to show off a little. Erick's family was impressed that I could tell the difference in my boys cries and what the cry was for. hehehe that was fun showing off. I am with the boys all day every day of course I know what each cry means and who is doing it. When we left there we headed to Erick's best friend's house. He had a little boy the month after our boys were born. This was our first meeting. He was so small compared to my behemoths. From there we headed home. We made a quick stop at my mom's so she could see the boys on Easter. Ahhhhh Home!

Monday... Nothing interesting.

Tuesday...ahhh another busy day. The boys and I were out of the house by 8 am. Why you ask because we wanted to have some fun. We were to meet my MoMs group at the Oakland zoo. First we had a little stop to make. My friend Ariel (from wishing for my miracle link on the side) need some adult interaction too. I went a little out of my way to pick her and her son R (20 days older then the boys) up. We had a great tiring hot cold day at the zoo. Then went back to Ariel's house and learned some moves and took some pics.


The boys and R on the floor

On the way home I had even more fun. I hit traffic. Why did I hit traffic? Well for one I left late and it was rush hour. But the biggest thing that made my drive home taxing is that people are afraid to drive in hail. Yes you read that right there was hail.

Wednesday...One of the coolest things happened. Erick came home from work and I was showing him some of the new baby yoga that I learned (from a book Ariel suggested). Well the boys, Erick and I were on the floor and Owen laughed. I mean a real honest to god laugh. I am so happy Owen did that for the first time with Erick home and he got to witness that first with me. It was the best sound. He did it for about 3 min and now refuses to do it again (little stinker).

Decisions

There comes a time in every one's life where a big decision has to be made. Some decisions are trivial and only effect the now. Others send out little ripples that change the future only slightly. Still others send tsunamis out that not only effect your life but the lives of those around you. They not only effect it but they change it. They make an impact so deep it can take years to see all that changed based on this one singular decision. We all have these decisions to make. We make them all the time. Still some are difficult.

I spent six years getting my bachelors and masters degrees. Six years is not a little amount of time. Not to mention the money involved. I spent two years trying to get the boys. That too is not a little amount of time. Not to mention the money and emotion involved. Doing these things required BIG decisions. They were not things I entered into lightly.

This week I had another BIG decision to make. A very good friend talked to her school about me. They will be hiring next year. I could have possibly had my own classroom. That is something I worked hard for, something I wanted for a long time. BUT now I have the boys. So what to do? The money would be nice but that would put the boys in daycare and I would miss out on a lot. So to make this long story a little shorter after tears and much math. Erick and I decided that the majority of our long term goals could be put off. That Owen and Ethan need me more than we need the money. I am putting off teaching for one more year in order to stay home with the people who matter most to me in the world. I think the boys will understand why they didn't always get the biggest and the best toys. BUT I don't think I could understand why I put money over my children.

Before this post offends anyone let me end by saying that in these tough economic times there are many families that need the second income in order to survive. I am so grateful that in this is not us and Erick is secure enough in his position that I am able to take this time off.

29 weeks a day late

Well this week has been fun. You all know about the hospital trip but I have yet to update you on the follow-up visit. Well to start it off I lost more weight. I am now only up 16 lbs. So in 2 days I lost 5 lbs. The Dr said no lifting more then 10 lbs, yes I am still on bed rest, any leaking or cramps to go in and if I think I need to be checked he thinks I need to be checked. On bed rest I am allowed to go to the bathroom, shower and eat. I need to be sitting, laying down or reclining as much as I can. I did get permission to go to my baby shower tomorrow and the baby classes at the hospital. I am still on Terbutaline every 4 hrs and will continue that for another 5 weeks. The hope is that this 5 weeks will allow my uterus to calm down and contractions will stop and I will be able to continue being pregnant. As of right now I am not getting steroids and I do not need mag. sulfate. I am now on weekly appointments. While at my appointment I got my first "Wow your about to pop arnt you?" comment. To which I replied "no actually I should have 11 weeks left but it is twins" lol the lady looked shocked. What do you think?





I have come to the conclusion that I do not like my belly rubbed but I do not mind if they feel. To me there is a difference. The other thing I have realized is that phone calls are annoying. If you are not going to come visit me I dont want to be on the phone with you because I would rather be napping and chances are you are calling in the middle of my nap. So for those that really know me my phone is on vibrate and most likely in the other room. Trust me no news is good news. And if I dont answer AIM it does not mean I am avoiding you but rather I fell asleep with the computer open or went to the bathroom or am in the shower. If I am on the computer I will answer.

Not feeling to good about myself

Please don't ask me what is wrong I don't want to talk about it. If those that saw me today read this THANK YOU SO MUCH. You mean so much to me. I think that I am going to take a little blogging break until after my next appointment. Sorry

Keep your 2 cents

We may be broke but we are happy and will do things the way we want. What is with people do they really think I want to know what worked for their kids 5...10...20 years ago. Hell half of the safety standards wernt in place then. I we dont ask for a tip then we dont want it. I dont care if you think the item I want is not needed or to expensive. If you think that then dont buy it for me. While we are at it what is with people hearing that we are having twins then asking us if we have seen jon and kate. Um just becasue someone is having twins does not make them like jon and kate. I just wish people would learn to butt out until asked. You dont have to like what we are doing you dont have to approve what we are doing. They are our kids and we make the rules.

1/4th the way done

With bones and cartilage starting to form and vital organs beginning to function, baby is making major progress. Body length will almost double in the next three weeks, and arm joints are now working. (Soon, legs will too.)

I feel like I look PG already but I am still symptom free which worries me. My next appointment is still a weeks away. Erick is starting to get more excited and he said I have to watch out because once we hear the heart next week he will be all over my growing belly. He still doesnt think its real and is trying to distance himself just a little. We are starting to research products and make wish lists which is fun. OK righht now it is a bunch of online looking. Later today we are going to get baby bargins so we have more reading to do.

A sum of my feelings

Things looking up

So my boss called me last night to talk and said he finally got it. He told me to sleep in and take my time. When I got in the office he took me out to lunch to talk about how we can make this better. I am really happy he did this. Now if only i could get my other boss to have it click. I sent her the doc that she wanted by this morning at about 7 last night and still haven't heard from her. Oh well. I haven't been feeling to well in the morning it is not terrible but it is hard to eat. I have now lost more than 40 pounds. wooo hooo!

Maybe Im the fool

I had a horrible day at work today. My commitment to the job was questioned as was how hard I was working. I am in a tight situation because my work pays for 90% of my tuition as well as giving me a nice set check. I am salaried for 20 hours per week. I am given a lot of computer based creative projects and was told I could work from home at times. Well when I was given a large or complex project I ask if there is any reason I have to be in the office. If I am told no I go home complete the project and email it back when done. The problem is I have 3 bosses and no one to really report to. None of my bosses talk or let the other one know what I am doing/ what they have given me. They are very busy people and often out of the office so I have to contact through email. I tried to express concerns about my workload and got the brushoff. That was until today when I was questioned as to if I was doing the work I was being paid for. That hurt me. I have worked for this office for 5 years, they know me. I am a hard worker and often do projects and create things that are more than what was asked for because I know its coming. After 5 years I can read them. I am often complemented on my work and this is bull. Maybe I need to start just telling them sorry I have already but my 20 hours in for this week and Im going home even if it is only wednesday see you next monday. I cant keep going on like this. So after one of the people above me told me this and I effectively had to prove what I have done (even though projects and information are turned in every day) I was finally understood. It finally clicked to him that both of them where giving me a weeks worth of work. So now we will see if things actually get better.

No longer a bitter betty

Sometimes it takes someone on the outside to really point out what is going on in the inside. A great friend pointed out how negative my blogs were sounding and was concerned at that because its not like me.  So I went back, reread them and she was right.  I want to apologize to those that have been reading.  Life really is not that bad.  The blogs just seem to reflect one side of the situation.  I really am happy with the progress we have made in our treatments and with the relationship between Erick and I that really has been strengthened by this long journey.  Admittedly I was pulling away from some because of personal feelings but in the same breath I can only push myself on them so far.  I can not force those that are avoiding me to talk to me.  This is my promise to you that I will do my best to be more positive and complete in my reporting of events from this point on.  However, with this being our first month back to being allowed to try there are a few details that I am keeping to myself.  I will not be telling you what cycle day I am on as  I don't want to be hounded every day or asked if I decided for start on day 3 or 5.  I will however keep you updated on most other things and will tell the results of the cycle once over.  I do realize that those that say the stupid comments only said them because they love me and don't know what else to say.  I really do love them for trying.  I know for some of those that read this it is hard because 1) they have never been around someone this open with the issue 2) they have concerns about outing their own issues 3) they don't know what to say and nothing is easier than figuring out what to say.  I love you.  It takes strength to post a comment (nothing gets posted without my ok.  The topic can only be considered wrong to talk about if we make it that way.  To those that have been reading but not talking to me, emailing me personally or commenting I am thinking of you.  Are you thinking of me?  To the wonderful nesties that come here to look in on me, I hope you get your wish soon.  I may not believe in god but I can send good thoughts your way.  

So now my happy thought for the day.  I spent the day visiting a wonderful family that I haven't seen in a couple of years.  I took my mom to their house because her best friend from her childhood is their mother/grandmother.  I had babysat these kids for 3 years in high school.  I love these kids and this family.  I think about them often and it was great to see how big they are.  I was greeted with hugs and kisses and almost knocked down.  One of my favorite memories of them was right after baby #3 was born.  This baby was the first together for mom and dad.  Kids 1 and 2 were young 3 maybe 4 years old and were on the bath together.  Mind you kids 1 and 2 were brother and sister well sister had brothers legs pinned to the side of the tub coaching him to "push push got to get the baby out" LOL I think they were a little mixed up but I about died laughing.  I don't think they will ever live this story down hence the reason the names were left out of the story.  

So in conclusion,  those that know me in real life for heavens sake talk to me.  The more we talk the more you understand and the less bitter I am which will make you want to talk to me more.  In exchange I will try to paint a more accurate picture and show you that I really am not what it looks like I am from this blog.  When I hit publish post I am agreeing to my side of this, will you agree to the side I am proposing for you?And here is the rest of it.

Open mouth insert foot

Everyone has an opinion but sometimes it just doesn't need to be heard. I love how when you start telling your story suddenly everyone that would not touch the subject with you before is an expert.  When you share your story suddenly to the public you  are a expert at the smile and nod.  Come on you know what I mean.  That is where on the outside you are smiling and nodding to show that you are listening and on the inside you are thinking of all the painful ways you could kill the person.  You go through the list and cross off all the ways that you could kill them that just do not cause enough pain because you really want them to know 1) what it feels like to have trouble TTTCing and 2) because you want them to know how it really feels to have to hear some of these things.  There are just certain things that should be in the big book of common knowledge that everyone should get upon there ohhhhhh 13th birthday.  Why do "we"(society) teach our kids not to point or ask questions of people that may or may not be pg but as adults suddenly it is ok.  Sense when are the phrases "god has a plan for you" or "all thing happen for a reason"  or "maybe you just need to relax and work on you for a bit"  helpful or encouraging?  I tell you what I lost my faith in god or a higher power a long time ago and telling me that your god has a plan for me does not help.  Its biology and its a flawed process.  Even when everything goes right there is still only like a oh 1 in 5 chance of getting a living healthy child out of it.  I also love how friends stop calling/ writing.  All of this reminds me of 6th grade when my dad committed suicide.  I lost all my friends because for a 12 year old it is easier to make new friends and ignore someone who is suddenly different then to talk to them.  I didn't realize that I associated myself with people of a 6th graders mentality.  I also think it must really be hard to say "I don't understand what you are going through but thank you for including me."  I don't want people to feel sorry for me but I am tired of hearing things like "you are just trying to hard and making to much of this".  Really if people cant talk to me without telling me their opinion of what I should or should not be doing, how if i just give it time,  focus on something else, pray more, eat less, turn around, sit down, wiggle my ears and trust in god then I think I prefer them not talking to me.  

Still Not As Easy As You Think

I thought I was over these feelings. I guess I just pushed them back. I spent my day today not studying like I needed to be doing for my Masters Orals exam tomorrow but with my mom and sister.  We went shopping, had lunch and played cards (I lost).  To end the day Mom and I went to the doctor with sister for her check up.  She is 34 weeks and they did an ultrasound.  I held it together all day.  OK maybe that is an overstatement I did kinda tell her in Target that I resented her.  Not now but through the whole beginning of her pregnancy.  I was supportive and involved and I lost it on the way home.  When we were at the doctors and my mom and I were getting in the car (sister was setting up her next appointment) she gave me a hug, said she was proud of me but she hopes that it takes us just a little longer.  (UMMMM WHAT??!!)  Glad to hear mom thanks.  I know here reasoning for thinking that way and it couldn't hurt.   However, I didn't need to hear that especially 3 hours after the spotting that decided to show up today started.  This is exciting for me because I will get to start Clomid soon.  Then we can really get this show on the road.  At the same time school is getting a little more demanding so I am sorry this is your warning posts may be academic for a bit.  OK time to get back to work Orals are tomorrow and I still have 3 questions to answer.  Until we meet again.